the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier
because none of the members knows how to play one.
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... people ask,
when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were
bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... when the
pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering,"
four guys stand up.
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... on the opening day
of deer season the church is closed.
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... a member of
the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because
"It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of"
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the choir is
known as the "OK Chorale".
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... in a congregation of
500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... people think
"rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the baptismal
pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the choir
robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy
Bob's Barbecue.
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the
collection plates are really hubcaps from a 1956 Chevy pick up truck.
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... instead of a
bell you are called to service by a duck call.
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the minister
and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... "Thou shall
not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.
You know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the final
words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear."
"I would like to remind you that what you are about to give is tax deductible, cannot be taken with you, and it is considered in the Bible that the love of this is the root of all evil."
The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After several hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate, the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.
Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.
He stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog!
The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers', so I let it go."
There is, however, one exception. A little girl has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because, I'm not an atheist."
Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm a Christian."
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks her why she is a Christian.
"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom is a Christian, my dad is a Christian, and my grand parents are too, so I am a Christian."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly.
"What if your mom and your dad were idiots. And what if your grand parents were idiots? What would you be then?"
She paused, smiled and said, "Oh, I guess that I'd be an atheist!"
Has the heaviness of you old fashioned church got you weighted down? Try us! We are the New and Improved Lite Church of the Valley. Studies have shown we have 24% fewer commitments than other churches. We guarantee to trim off guilt, because we are Low-Cal. Low Calvin, that is. We are the home of the 7.5% tithe. We promise 40-minute worship services, with 10-minute sermons. Next Sunday’s exciting text is the story of the Feeding of the 3,000. We have only 8 Commandments -- You choose which ones apply each week. We use just 3 gospels in our contemporary New Testament “Good Sound Bites for Modern Human Beings”. We take the offering every other week, all major credit cards accepted of course or use our easy payment plan. We are closed the first week of hunting season. Yes, the New and Improved Lite Church of the Valley could be just what you are looking for. We are everything you want in a church... and less!
She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."
So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and immediately the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"
I was forced to as a child.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and then just
walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of
Mildred's house.......and left it there all night.
Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could the new pastor see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church membership grew in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At the funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check.
The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on like this, he finally concluded, "But, compared to his brother, he was a SAINT."
Upon arriving at the shore they were met by a shipwreck survivor. He said, "I'm so glad you're here! I've been alone on this island for more than five years!"
The captain replied, "If you're all alone on the island why do I see THREE huts."
The survivor said, "Oh. We'll, I live in one, and go to church in another."
"What about the THIRD hut?" asked the captain.
"That's where I USED to go to church."
Adam and the frog
Adam was spending the day naming all the creatures in the garden when he realized he was alone as a human being. Then came the very last creature and he named it "frog". He spoke to the frog in his loneliness and asked it if it had any ideas as to how he could not be so lonely, while hoping in vain that it could actually reply and hold a conversation. To Adam's surprise, the frog opened it's mouth and replied, "Rib-It!", then the rest was history... Great Sermon
A woman approached the minister after the sermon, and thanked him for his discourse. "I found it so helpful," she said.
The minister replied: "I hope it will not prove as helpful as the last sermon you heard me preach."
"Why, what do you mean?" asked the astonished woman.
"Well," said the minister, "that sermon lasted you three months." Abrahams computer
Abraham bought himself a fancy new computer. He was showing it to Isaac one day. "Look at all the wonderful programs it has on it. And look at all the neat things it can do..."
Isaac was impressed, but a little concerned..."But dad, I don't think your computer has enough memory."
Abraham said "Don't worry son; the Lord will provide the RAM." Redneck Church
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... The Offering
Pastor's Announcement Before Offering: The Lord's Supper
If Jesus had lived in the Southern part of the United States instead of Israel, I am convinced that we would be observing the Lord's Supper today with cornbread and ice tea. - Hugh Troyer Mistaken Identity
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard, when suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing and stopped, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. Can't sleep
Do you know what an agnostic dyslexic insomniac does? Correct a mistake?
A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party: "What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.
"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?" Are you an athiest?
A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. Adam's counter offer
God looks down and notices that Adam is all alone while all the animals have companions, so he decides to create a companion for man as well. He comes to see Adam and says to him, "Adam, you are my greatest creation and therefore, I am going to create for you the ultimate companion. She will worship the very ground you walk on, she will long for you and no other, she will be highly intelligent, she will wait on you hand and foot and obey your every command, she will be beautiful, and all it will cost you is an arm and a leg." Thinking for a few moments, Adam replies, "What could I get for a rib?" The new and improved lite church
Does it seem to you that churches these days just expect too much from their people? Well before you remember that Jesus told us to pick up our cross and follow Him daily, read the following announcement. A purpose?
God didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes and roaches come close. Jesus calling Peter
When Jesus was hanging on the cross he looked out into the crowd and saw St. Peter. He called out, "Peter. Peter. Come here." St. Peter tried to reach Jesus but the Roman soldiers around the foot of the cross pushed him back. He looked up and Jesus repeated, "Peter. Come here." So St. Peter tried again to reach the cross. This time the Roman soldiers knocked him down and kicked him a few times. Picking himself up, St. Peter heard Jesus calling to him again, so he dashed between two Roman soldiers and went right up to the foot of the cross, saying "Yes, Lord. . . ." And Jesus said, "Peter . . . I can see your house from here." The locked Car Door
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. The turkey
A man stopped by the local church to talk to the Pastor. He told the Pastor "I stole a turkey this morning on my way home from work". The Pastor told him "That was a terrible thing to do". The man replied "Yes, I know that now, do you want it?" The Pastor replied "No, take it back and give it to the man that you stole it from." The man replied "I tried to give it back but he refused it". The Pastor told him "In that case you keep the turkey". The man thanked the Pastor and went on his way.
When the Pastor arrived home later that day he discovered that his turkey had been stolen! You choose
One beautiful Sunday morning, the pastor announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons...a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour.
"Now, we'll take the collection and see which one you have chosen." Where have you been?
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.
It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve. The new church
A rich man goes to his minister and says, "I want you and your wife to
take a three-month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back, I'll have a surprise for you."
The minister accepts the offer, and he and his wife set off to the Middle East.
Three months later they return home. They are met by the wealthy
parishioner, who shows them a new church he has had built for them while they were gone.
"It's the finest building money can buy, reverend," the man says. "I
spared no expense."
And he is right. It is a magnificent edifice, outside and in. But there is one striking difference. There is only one pew, and it is at the very back.
"A church with only one pew?" asks the minister.
"You just wait until Sunday," the rich man says.
When the time comes for the Sunday service, the early arrivals enter the church, file onto the one pew and sit down. When the pew is full, a switch clicks silently, a circuit closes, the gears mesh, a belt moves and, automatically, the rear pew begins to move forward.
When it reaches the front of the church, it comes to a stop. At the same time, another empty pew comes up from below at the back and more people sit down. And so it continues, pews filling and moving forward until finally the church is full from front to back.
"Wonderful!" says the minister. "Marvelous!"
The service begins, and the minister starts to preach his sermon. He
launches into his text and, when 12 o'clock comes, he is still going
strong, with no end in sight. Suddenly a bell rings, and a trap door in the floor behind the pulpit drops open.
"Wonderful!" says the congregation. "Marvelous!" interstate driving
A state trooper sees a vehicle on the interstate doing 24 miles an hour and pulls the car to make sure everything is all right. When he approaches the driver he discovers that it is a nun.
"Excuse me, sister. But are you alright ?" He asked.
She replies, "Oh, yes officer. We're just fine. Was I doing something wrong?"
The officer says, "Well sister, you were traveling way under the speed limit and I was concerned that you might be having car trouble or something."
"But officer", the nun interrupts, "I saw a sign there about a mile back that said 24, and I know I wasn't going any faster than that."
Chuckling, the trooper says, "Sister, that was a state highway route marker, this is State Route 24, not the speed limit. The speed limit signs have a MPH at the bottom."
"Oh, now don't I feel foolish!", replied the nun turning red.
"That's ok, but please try to be more careful, I would hate to see you get hurt", finished the officer. Then as he turns to say good-bye to the nuns in the back seat, he notices for the first time that they are trembling violently and quite pale.
"Sister, what is wrong with your friends? Can I escort you to a hospital ?"
"Oh, no, they're all right. We just turned off of Route 135." Acts 2:38
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop - Acts 2:38!" (..turn from your sin...) The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an AXE and two 38's!" A short history of medicine
"Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 BC - "Here, eat this root."
1000 BC - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 AD - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 AD - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 AD - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 AD - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!" To each his own
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked in on the street between their establishments.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied.
The rabbi considered this a moment, then said, "Oh," and ran back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, ran to the back of the car and cut off the last two inches of the tailpipe. Why I never wash
A pastor, apparently disgusted with the excuses parishioners offered as to why they didn’t attend worship services, included “Reasons Why I Never Wash” in the Sunday bulletin:
People who wash are hypocrites - they think they are cleaner than everybody else.
There are so many different kinds of soap; I can’t decide which one is best.
I used to wash, but I got bored and stopped.
I wash only on special occasions, like Christmas and Easter.
None of my friends wash.
I’ll start washing when I get older and dirtier.
I can’t spare the time.
The bathroom is never warm enough in the winter or cool enough in the summer.
People who make soap are only after your money.
I don’t like the songs people sing in the bathroom.
I can clean myself perfectly well whenever I pass a sink, so I don’t need a bathtub.
I know how to stay clean without washing.
The last time I washed, someone was rude to me.
What I do doesn’t affect anybody but me.
I know someone who washes every day and still smells bad.
I don’t believe in soap. I sat beside a whole case of it for an hour once, and nothing happened.
Washing was invented by people who knew nothing about science.
If people saw me without my makeup, they would laugh at me.
I’m so dirty now that if I washed, the drain would clog.
Cats, dogs, and chickens never wash, and they are happy all the time.
Prehistoric humans were happy all the time until the first soap salesman made them feel guilty.
If I start washing again, my friends will think I am trying to conform to middle-class standards.
Washing is for women and children.
Washing is for people much dirtier than I am.
I will wash when I find the bathroom that is exactly right for me.
I only believe in things I can see, and I can’t see bacteria.
Children need to see that it is OK to be different.
Children need to see a few bad examples.
Washing may have been OK in my grandfather’s day, but it’s not practical in today’s world. I need to look dirty, talk dirty, and fight dirty to survive.
I watch other people washing on TV.
There are lots of clean people who never wash.
We’ve just moved here six years ago and haven’t had a chance.
I bought a bad bar of soap once, so I swore I would never wash again!
I feel as close to washing on the golf course as I do in the bathroom.
I never wash when I have company.
Washday is the only day I have to sleep in.
My wife washes enough for the whole family
I know people who wash but don’t act very clean.
Washing is the opiate of the masses. Off The Hood
Two nuns were travelling through Europe in their car. They got to
Transylvania and were stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, a
diminuative Dracula jumps onto the hood of their car and scratches
the windshield!
"Quick, quick!" shouts the first nun, "What shall I do?"
"Turn on the winshield wipers, that will get rid of this abomination,"
shouts the second.
The nun switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on
and hisses at them loudly!
"What shall I do now?" shouts the first nun.
"Switch on the windshield washer, I filled it with Holy Water when
we stopped in the Vatican!" says the second.
Draula steams as the water burns his skin, but somehow manages to
hang on. He hisses at the nuns even louder now!
"Now what?" screams the first nun.
"Show him your cross!" replies the second.
So the first nun rolls down the window and shouts:
"GET OFF MY HOOD YOU STUPID IDIOT!!!!" Bats in the belfry
Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing seems to scare them away.
Another said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."
The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!" Psalm 23 For Tech Heads
The Lord is my programmer, I shall not crash.
He installed His software on the hard disk of my heart.
All of His commands are user friendly.
His directory guides me to the right choices for His
name's sake. Even though I scroll through the problems
of life, I will fear no bugs, for He is my back-up.
His password protects me. He prepares a menu before
me in the presence of my enemies.
His help is only a keystroke away.
Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the
days of my life and my file will be merged with
His and saved forever.
Amen The wish
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck,
and everyone inside dies.
They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they
have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before
they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I
want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line,
the last guy in line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor,
laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy calms down and says......
"Make 'em all ugly again" Love one another
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off. The church gossip
Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's
morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several
residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough
to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she
accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic, after she saw his
pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She
commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know
what he was doing. The two Brothers
There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their evil ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and appeared to be perfect Christians. The Survivor
One day in the South Pacific, a navy ship Captain saw smoke coming from a hut on an uncharted island. First trip to the mall
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights w/numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."
Index The Same In My Business
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before
a long holiday weekend.
The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him
in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him
toward a vacant pump.
"Preacher," said the young man, "I'm sorry about the delay. It seems
as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long
trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my
business." Good news/Bad news for a pastor
Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river.
Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.
Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.
Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.
Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do.
Bad News: The choir mutinied.
Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons.
Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the "Gong Show," "Beavis and Butthead" and "Texas Chain Saw Massacre."
Good News: Your women's softball team finally won a game.
Bad News: They beat your men's softball team.
Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage.
Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.
Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land.
Bad News: They are stalling until the next war.
Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church.
Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your denomination.
Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit.
Bad News: It's in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to "decorate" your house. The new Pastor
The young man had just graduated from Bible College and was called to pastor a church close to his home town. The new Pastor was so nervous at his first service, he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit, he asked his former Pastor how he could relax. The older minister said, "Next Sunday, it may help if you put a little vodka in your water glass. After a few sips, everything should go smoothly. I will be visiting your church next week to see how things go for you."
The next Sunday the young minister put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great! However, after the service, his former Pastor pulled him aside and offered this advice for him.
1 .Next time sip rather than gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10
4. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
5. The recommended grace before meals is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God!"
6. We do not refer to Our Savior, Jesus and His disciples as "J.C. and the Boys"
7. David slew Goliath; he did not "kick the crap out of him."
8. Last, but not least, The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook." The visiting preacher
The visiting preacher was really getting the congregation moving. Near the end of his sermon he said this church has really got to walk - to which someone in the back yelled, "let her walk preacher"
The preacher then said if this church is going to go it's got to get up and run to which someone again yelled with gusto, "let her run preacher."
Feeling the surge of the church, the preacher then said with even louder gusto, "if this church is going to go it's got to really fly" and once again with ever greater gusto, someone yelled, "let her fly preacher, let her fly."
The preacher then seized the moment and stated with even greater gusto, "if this church is really going to fly it's going to need money" to which someone in the back yelled, "let her walk preacher, let her walk." Where is Jesus today?
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today ?"
Johnny raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
And Robert, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Robert how he knew this.
And Robert said, "Well.....every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!" The substitute organist
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask
the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for
repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and
a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute
wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to
think of something to play after I make the announcement about the
finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters,
we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we
expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or
more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played the National Anthem ...
... amd that is how the substitute organist became the permanent organist! Leaving the church early
"I hope you didn't take it personally, preacher," an embarrassed
woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out
during your sermon."
"I did find it rather disconcerting," the Pastor replied.
"It wasn't out of any disrespect to you," insisted the church-goer.
"Fred has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child." God the father
A young woman brought her fiancée home to meet her parents. After dinner,
her father asked the young man into his study for a chat.
"So, what are your plans?", The Father said.
"I'm a theology scholar," the young man replied.
"Admirable," the father said, "but what will you do to provide a nice home
for my daughter?"
"I will study and God will provide," the young man explained.
"And how will you afford to raise children?", The Father asked.
"God will provide.", said the young man.
The men left the study and the mother asked her husband, "How did it go?"
"Very well; I like him. He has no money or employment plans," the father
said. "But on the other hand, he thinks I'm God." Atheist and the Loch Ness monster
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat
was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast
tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth
to swallow both.
As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist
hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought
you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "two minutes ago I
didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
Index A great gnashing of teeth
A preacher of the old school was describing the events of Judgment Day and,
of course, he used Biblical phrases whenever he could.
"Oh, my friends," he shouted, "imagine the suffering of the sinners as they
find themselves cast into the outer darkness, removed from the presence of
the Lord and given to eternal flames. My friends, at such a time there will
be weeping, wailing and a great gnashing of teeth!"
At this point, one of the elders of the congregation interrupted.
"But Reverend," he said, "what if one of those hopeless sinners has no teeth?"
The preacher crashed his fist on the pulpit, "My friends, the Lord is not
put out by details. Rest assured ... teeth will be provided!"
Index Cowboy Joe
Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church. "When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began.
"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.
"I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued.
"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.
"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.
"That would be the usher," Charlie explained.
"Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.
"You mean the aisle," Charlie said.
"Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued.
"Pew," Charlie retorted.
"Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her." Cat and mouse
There was a missionary going to the Philippines and his wife had a cat which she could not part with. There was a hole in the wall of the house that they moved into. A mouse lived there and the cat loved to chase it.
Every day the cat would chase the mouse but he could'nt catch it, and the mouse would laugh at him. One day, the cat almost caught the mouse. On that day the cat waited outside of the mouse hole. The mouse was very scared because he could hear the cat outside of the hole meowing. The cat sat there continuing to meow (meow,meow,meow).
Eventually the meowing stopped and all the mouse could hear was ruff,ruff, ruff. The mouse, full of joy, ran out of his house knowing that he had been saved. As the mouse came out of his hole, the cat pounced on him and gobbled him up, and walked away smiling saying to himself, it pays to be bilingual. Preachers new mower
A preacher retired and moved to the country to enjoy life and practice his hobby of yard work. Needing a lawn mower, he headed into town to buy one. On the way he saw a sign advertising a lawn mower for sale. He stopped at the house and a young lad came out to greet him.
The preacher asked about the lawn mower and the kid said it was behind the house. The two went to look at the lawn mower. The engine was sputtering along at idle speed. The preacher increased the speed of the engine and mowed a few strips. Satisfied that the mower would do the job they settled on a price of $25.00.
Later in the day, the young lad was riding his bicycle when he spied the preacher pulling on the engine starter rope. The kid stopped and watched for a couple of minutes. He asked, "What's wrong?"
The reply came, "I can't get this mower started. Do you know how?"
The kid said, "Yep."
"Well, how do you do it? Tell me!", the preacher yelled.
The kid replied, "You have to cuss it."
The preacher rose up indignantly. "Now you listen here. I am a preacher and if I ever did cuss, not saying I have, I've forgotten how to do it after all these years."
With a wise look on his face well beyond his years, the kid said, "Preacher, you keep on pulling that rope and it'll all come back to ya." A cat in Heaven
A cat dies and goes to heaven.
God meets him at the gate and says, 'You have been a good cat all these years. You can have anything you desire, all you have to do is ask.'
Well,' said the cat, 'I lived all my life on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.'
'Say no more,' says God and instantly a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer he made to the cat.
'All our life,' the mice say, 'we've had to run. Cats, dogs, women with brooms have chased us. If we had roller skates, we wouldn't have to run any more.'
God says he can take care of it and, instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
A week later God checks on the cat, which is asleep on its pillow. God gently nudges him awake and asks, 'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'
'Never been happier,' says the cat, stretching and yawning. 'And those meals on wheels you've been sending over are great.' The Great Battle
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so man and woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan developed the fast foods industry. And fast foods brought forth the 99 cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said to man,"You want fries with that?" And man said, "Supersize them." And man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese. And there was ice cream for dessert. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken -- fried steak so big a needed its own platter. And man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes, and man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And man gained pounds.
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried of them. And he created sour cream dip also. And man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed, and created a quadruple bypass surgery, angioplasties, and stents...
and Satan created HMOs...
And thus goes the battle between the God and Satan. God gives us things that are good, and Satan comes along and changes them or adds to them. We all must choose what we will do with the things that God has given to us. What will you do with your life and the things that God has given you? You must choose every day whether you will use these things for God and his glory or for yourself and the world. The choices that you make today will determine what kind of life you will have tomorrow.
The Dentist's Hymn ... Crown Him With Many Crowns
The Weatherman's Hymn ... There Shall Be Showers Of Blessing
The Contractor's Hymn ... The Church's One Foundation
The Tailor's Hymn ... Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer's Hymn ... There Is A Green Hill Far Away
The Politician's Hymn ... Standing On The Promises
The Optometrist's Hymn ... Open My Eyes That I May See
The IRS Agent's Hymn ... I Surrender All
The Gossip's Hymn ... Pass It On
The Electrician's Hymn ... Send The Light
The Shopper's Hymn ... In The Sweet By and By
The Realtor's Hymn ... I've Got A Mansion Just Over The Hilltop
The Pilot's Hymn ... I'll Fly Away
The Paramedic's Hymn ... Revive Us Again
The Judge's Hymn ... Almost Persuaded
The Psychiatrist's Hymn ... Just A Little Talk With Jesus
The Architect's Hymn ... How Firm A Foundation
The Credit Card Telemarketer's Hymn ... A Charge To Keep I Have
The Zoo Keeper's Hymn ... All Creatures Of Our God And King
The Postal Worker's Hymn ... So Send I You
The Waiter's Hymn ... Fill My Cup, Lord
The Gardener's Hymn ... Lo, How A Rose E'er Blooming
The Lifeguard's Hymn ... Rescue The Perishing
The Criminal's Hymn ... Search Me, O God
The Baker's Hymn ... When The Roll Is Called Up Yonder
The Shoe Repairer's Hymn ... It Is Well With My Soul
The Travel Agent's Hymn ... Anywhere With Jesus
The Geologist's Hymn ... Rock Of Ages
The Hematologist's Hymn ... Are You Washed In The Blood?
The Men's Wear Clerk's Hymn ... Blest Be The Tie
The Umpire's Hymn ... I Need No Other Argument
The Librarian's Hymn ... Whispering Hope
1. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
2. A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
3. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
4. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
5. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
6. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread,which is bread without any ingredients.
7. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
8. Moses died before he ever reached Texas.
9. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
10. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
11. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
12. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives, and 700 porcupines.
13. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
14. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE KIDS!!!!!!!
Three friars were banished from their
monastery for various rule violations, so they
decided to start a business together. They traveled around until they found a town that
they liked, and opened up a plant shop. Their floral
business was soon thriving.
One day, a woman was shopping at the friar's store, and while she was strolling down an
aisle with her toddler, a large plant reached out, grabbed the child, and ate it. Needless
to say, the women was quite upset at the loss of her child. However, the friars refused to
believe that one of their plants could have done such a thing. The woman told all of herfriends about the incident, and soon everyone in the town was in an uproar. They decided
to kick the friars out of town. Every person in the town, except for a man named Hugh,
gathered outside of the friars shop, shouting, waving sticks, and demanding that they
leave. But the friars said No. We're not leaving. So the townspeople gave up
and went home.
Well, a couple weeks later, another woman was walking through the friar's shop, looking at
plants with her baby, when a plant grabbed her child and ate it. She ran through the
streets screaming that a plant had swallowed her baby. The townspeople were
outraged, and again gathered outside the floral shop (except for Hugh), waving torches,
and demanding that the friars leave town at once.
But the friars said, No way. And all the people gave up and went home.
A few days later, yet another woman dared to take her child into the floral shop. She held
her infant tightly in her arms, but it was no use. A large ficus wrestled the child from
her arms, and ate it.
When the townspeople heard of this, they were extremely upset. They again gathered outside
the friar's store (except for Hugh), yelling and threatening bodily harm to the friars if
they didn't leave town. But the friars said, We're staying, So the citizens
gave up and began to go home. Just then, Hugh showed up. He walked up to the friars, and
said, Get out of town, now! The friars immediately packed up all their
belongings and fled that very day, never to be heard from again.
The moral of this story is: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
He was Pentecostal!!
Charismatic: Only one.
Hands already in the air.
Roman Catholics: None.
They use candles.
Pentecostals: Ten.
One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None.
God has predestined when the lights will be on and off.
Episcopalians: Eight.
One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old
one
better.
Mormons: Five.
One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarian Universalists: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or
against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you
have found
that light bulbs work for you, that is fine.
You are invited to write a
poem or compose a modern dance about you personal relationship with your
light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday
service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions
including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all
of which
are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Baptists: At least 10.
One to change the light bulb, a committee to approve the
change. Oh, and also provide a casserole.
Lutherans: None.
Lutherans don't believe in change.
Methodists: 10
One to change the bulb. Nine to attack the preacher, because someone's
grandmother gave that bulb to the church!!
Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water". The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus"
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 pm.-prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."